Why External Success Doesn’t Stop High Achievers From Struggling
You’ve always been the person people see as “having your shit together.” You’ve gotten good grades, studied at a prestigious university, and now work in a high-paying job. Maybe you are in a strong relationship with a partner and have a family you love. People have always looked at you as a “high achiever,” a label you take great pride in. You usually don’t need to ask others for help, but when you do? It’s almost as hard as the task you need help with. Today, we’re going to discuss why high achievers struggle to ask for help and what you can do to help yourself.
Sometimes having your shit together isn’t enough
Even with all this external success and these great achievements, something feels off. You might not even be sure what it is. Maybe you’re feeling burnt-out, stressed, or can’t shake the feeling that you just don’t feel good enough.
Yet, you don’t know how to express this. You have no issues reaching out to others when you notice they’re struggling, but you have trouble telling your partner or friends that you’re going through challenges. Maybe you can’t even tell yourself.
In this blog post, we’ll explore:
- Signs that you may be a high achiever who is struggling
- Why you may be struggling to ask for help (the defense mechanisms at play)
- What you can do to feel better and more vulnerable with others
Everyone says “You’re doing great!” You don’t believe it
You’ve always been looked up to as the high achiever. People admire your work ethic and how you show up for everyone. You even do all of these things with a smile, so others assume you’re doing well.
But on the inside you’re not smiling. There’s something deeper going on preventing you from being truly happy. Maybe you’re struggling with self-worth, confidence, or work-life balance, despite this outward appearance.
You may consider yourself a high achiever who is struggling if:
- You feel overwhelmed but brush it off by telling yourself “I’m just busy”
- You’re scared of disappointing your friends or loved ones
- You only allow yourself to rest when everything is done (which rarely happens)
- Everyone relies on you, but you have no one to rely on
- You tell others “I’m fine” when you know you’re not
I’ve even experienced this myself. People have told me they’re impressed how I “keep it together,” consistently perform, and balance everything. Meanwhile, on the inside, I sometimes feel like I’m dangling by a thread. I’m often surprised others don’t see me struggle, but I remind myself how good I’ve gotten at covering these challenges up. I’ve discovered over the years I’ve built up defense mechanisms to shield myself from uncomfortable feelings.
How defense mechanisms help us cope (until they don’t)
You’ve likely heard the term “defense mechanism” or, simply, “defense” before when describing someone who is trying to defend from a certain feeling or insecurity. That’s actually pretty close to what defense mechanisms are in the field of therapy and psychoanalysis. At their core, defense mechanisms are unconscious processes that aim to decrease our own internal stress and decrease inner conflict.
High achievers who are struggling to ask for help may have such strong defense mechanisms because there may be underlying feelings that come with acknowledging that not everything is ok. Our identity is often tied to our achievements, we may not want to burden people with our problems, or there may be a shame entangled in the idea of struggle.
There are a variety of different defense mechanisms that we use to neglect our uncomfortable feelings across a variety of situations. High achievers struggling to ask for help may be using defenses like avoidance, denial, compensation, intellectualization, or even humor to resist the idea that they are struggling.
Let’s break down what each of these defense mechanisms are and how they may show up.
Avoidance
Occurs when we dismiss uncomfortable thoughts or feelings or stay away from certain people, places, or situations. As a high achiever, you might be fully diving into your work to avoid discomfort in other aspects of your life.
Denial
Denial happens when we dismiss the external reality by focusing on internal explanations to avoid the discomfort of a situation. Those using denial might repeatedly tell themselves “I’m fine!”
Compensation
Compensation is when we focus on the achievement in one area of life in order to distract attention away from some other inadequacy. Maybe you’re burning yourself out at work because you feel there might be some other inadequacy that you’re trying to cover up. This could be how we try to cover up feelings of imposter syndrome or loneliness.
Intellectualization
Intellectualization is the classic over-thinking or over-analyzing that we do that helps us increase the distance between our emotions. You might tell yourself you’re just “focused on your work” when you may be struggling from deeper feelings of loneliness or conflict.
Humor
Humor is a defense mechanism that forces us to decrease negative emotions associated with a situation by using comedy. We may try to laugh off our situation because it’s the only way we can avoid feeling the pain associated with it.
These defenses are just a few different ways that we might be trying to shield ourselves from the discomfort of feeling that we are not ok. Even if none of these defense mechanisms resonate with you, there are other defense mechanisms that we might be using.
You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine
Once you recognize that you might be subconsciously shielding yourself from uncomfortable feelings with defense mechanisms, there are things that you can do to help.
One way that we can feel better is by confronting the uncomfortable feelings and giving ourselves space to access core emotions.
Many of our defense mechanisms will activate because we want to avoid discomfort. We may associate struggling with the idea that something is wrong with us, even when that’s not the case.
We can struggle because we are human. It may be worth it to simply admit to ourselves that there is something wrong and it is something we’ve been hiding.
Once we admit we are struggling and that is ok, we can do some activities to help us better cope with our feelings. These activities can give our feelings the space they deserve.
Some of the activities we can take part in to help us feel better include:
- Talking to a family member or loved one: Opening up to others that you’re struggling after you’ve admitted it to yourself can be a healthy way to cope with life’s challenges. You may find out that they’ve struggled too.
- Journaling: Journaling can give you space to express how you’re feeling without the feedback that sharing with a person might bring.
- Art: Creative outlets can be great methods of expressing our core emotions.
- Exercising: Physical exercise can give us a way to access core emotions we may have been avoiding.
- Speaking with a therapist: There may be times when it’s crucial to talk with a therapist about how you’re feeling so that you can do some of this work with a trained professional.
No matter how you choose to cope with your feelings and break through some of your defenses, it is important to remember that it is ok to admit you are not doing well. Just because you’ve generally been a high achiever in life does not mean you’re not allowed to struggle.
Struggling is a part of being human and going through challenges does not make you less than.
You can still be a high achiever even if you are struggling in some area of your life.
Ready to explore this together?
If you are a high achiever who has admitted that you’re struggling, then it might be helpful to have a thought partner who can help break things down with you.
At LightLine Therapy, we help high achieving adults process how they’re feeling and unlock defenses in order for them to get more comfortable with their core emotions. We help you dig deep to understand your feelings and problem-solve together to explore ways for you to feel better.
In therapy, you don’t have to be the one holding it together. You get to share your challenges and feelings without worrying about the judgement of others.
Book a free consultation with me to get started.
FAQs
1. Why do high achievers struggle to ask for help?
High achievers often tie their self-worth to competence, independence, and performance. Asking for help can feel like admitting failure or weakness, even when that belief is inaccurate (and it often is). Over time, this creates emotional isolation and makes stress harder to manage.
2. Is it normal for people who look successful to struggle mentally?
You probably already know the answer to this is yes. External success does not protect against anxiety, burnout, or self-doubt. In fact, high-pressure environments and perfectionism often increase emotional strain, even when things look “fine” from the outside.
3. What are common signs a high achiever needs help?
Common signs include chronic stress, difficulty resting, feeling disconnected from others, irritability, and constantly telling yourself you are “just busy.” Many high achievers also minimize their struggles because they believe they should be able to handle everything on their own.
4. How does therapy help high achievers who struggle to ask for help?
Therapy helps high achievers identify the patterns and defenses that keep them from being vulnerable. It creates space to explore emotions without judgment while developing healthier ways to cope with stress, pressure, and self-expectations.
5. Is therapy worth it if I am still functioning well?
Yes, therapy can still be beneficial even if you consider yourself to be excelling in life. Many high-achieving professionals seek therapy not because they are falling apart, but because they want clarity, balance, and deeper fulfillment. Therapy can help you address issues early, before burnout or emotional disconnection escalate.
