What Are You Actually Feeling?
We learn to say we’re “fine” so early and so often that we forget what fine even means. Sometimes we use it to cover up overwhelm, sometimes sadness, and sometimes we genuinely have no idea what we’re feeling—but we’re sure as hell not going to say that out loud.
For a lot of people, emotional vocabulary stops at mad, sad, happy, tired, and hungry. And for many men, in particular, feelings get translated into what they’re feeling physically, not emotionally. “I’m feeling off” or “I have a headache” or no words at all but a slightly aggressive handshake might be the body’s way of saying: hey, something emotional is happening—but no one ever taught us how to name it.
Enter: the Feelings Wheel.
What Is the Feelings Wheel?
The Feelings Wheel is a visual tool created by Dr. Gloria Willcox to help people identify and articulate their emotions more precisely. It starts with six core feelings in the center (fearful, angry, disgusted, sad, happy, surprised, and bad), which then branch out into more specific emotions (think: humiliated, disappointed, guilty, proud, excited).
It’s Google Maps for your inner world. You might start at “sad,” but when you zoom in, you realize what you’re actually feeling is powerless. And just like that, things start to make more sense.
Why Does Emotional Vocabulary Matter?
Because if you can’t name it, you can’t work with it.
Emotions don’t just sit quietly in the background—they drive our decisions, our relationships, our stress levels, and our sense of self. But most of us didn’t grow up learning how to name what we feel. Emotional expression was either discouraged (“don’t cry,” “toughen up”) or only allowed in extreme forms (explosive anger, emotional breakdowns).
That’s a huge loss. Because the more precise you are with your emotional vocabulary, the more power you have over your internal world. “Frustrated” is not the same as “disrespected.” “Nervous” is different from “insecure.” When you name what you’re actually feeling, you can respond in ways that are grounded, intentional, and honest.
Real-Life Example: The Argument (Not) About the Dishes
Let’s say your partner leaves dishes in the sink. Again. You start to feel angry but you don’t say anything. As you reluctantly pick up the sponge to wash them (again) because you hate it when the sink is full, the anger starts to spread.
Or at least that’s what it seems like but when you pause and check the Feelings Wheel, you realize you’re actually feeling unappreciated. Or maybe disrespected. After all, your partner knows that you hate dishes in the sink, right?
That’s a whole different conversation than, “Why don’t you ever do the dishes?”
The wheel helps you pause and reflect before reacting. It gives you language that turns an argument into a conversation.
Another Example: The Sunday Scaries
You’ve got a pit in your stomach and a general sense of dread as Sunday afternoon rolls around. You tell yourself you’re stressed—but that doesn’t quite capture it.
Pull out the Feelings Wheel. Maybe you’re actually feeling overwhelmed, or inadequate, or unprepared. Once you have the word, you can match it with a more helpful response: a to-do list, a break, a reassuring conversation with a friend, or even just acknowledging it out loud.
How to Use the Feelings Wheel
Feel free to download the Feelings Wheel here or explore an interactive version at feelingswheel.com. It’s a great tool to keep handy—on your phone, your desktop, or even printed out and tucked into your backpack.
Next time you feel a strong emotion but you also sense a nagging sensation that the puzzle isn’t totally complete, do a little check in with yourself. Use the Feelings Wheel to ask: What am I actually feeling right now? Use the wheel to find the word that fits.
If you want to go a step further, you can pair it with a written log of what you’re feeling. This can either be a journal or just a simple list in your Notes app that tracks the emotion and what brought it on. Then you can ask yourself why you’re feeling that way and what do you need at that moment
If you notice that you often land in the same outer-ring emotions or you seem unable to even identify with any of those more detailed emotions, that might tell you something about what’s really going on under the surface.
Especially Helpful for Men (or Anyone Taught to Shut It Down)
If you grew up being told that emotions are a sign of weakness—or if you learned to express feelings through irritation, withdrawal, or using your body—the Feelings Wheel can feel like learning a new language. But it’s one worth learning.
For men especially, the cultural script often says: don’t be vulnerable. Don’t cry. Don’t talk about it. So emotions get buried until they come out as back pain, insomnia, or snapping at someone you love.
The Feelings Wheel is a way back in. A way to notice, to name, and to increase self-awareness.
Final Thoughts
Language shapes experience. When you expand your emotional vocabulary, you expand your emotional life.
You don’t have to get it right every time. You just have to get curious. The goal of the Feelings Wheel isn’t about moving you towards the “happy” slice of the pie–those other slices are going to show up in your life whether you like it or not.
It’s about better understanding yourself and what’s going on inside of you. And with a little practice, it can help you turn emotional noise into something that makes sense.
Curious about how to use tools like this in therapy?
At LightLine Therapy, we help you build emotional insight and language that brings more clarity to your internal and external worlds. Schedule a free consultation and let’s get into it.
FAQs
1. What is the Feelings Wheel?
It’s a visual tool that helps you identify specific emotions by expanding on core feelings. Learn more about how we use it in therapy at LightLine.
2. Why is naming emotions important?
Because you can’t manage what you can’t name. Better emotional vocabulary leads to better communication and coping. It’s especially helpful for clients navigating identity and self-worth issues.
3. How do I use the Feelings Wheel?
Start with a strong emotion, locate it on the wheel, and drill down to more specific terms. It’s great paired with journaling or mindfulness tools for clarity and calm.
4. Why is emotional vocabulary harder for men?
Cultural conditioning often discourages men from expressing emotions, which shows up as physical symptoms or shutdown. Our therapists support men in learning to reconnect with their emotional world.
5. Can therapy help me identify my emotions?
Yes. Whether you’re struggling to feel much of anything or overwhelmed by everything, therapy helps build awareness, language, and lasting emotional clarity. Meet our therapists to learn more or get in touch.
