When Positive Vibes Become Pressure
Do you have that one friend who always has a sunny disposition? You know, they’re nice and caring and always so unfathomably positive that it actually makes them…kind of annoying? I feel a little guilty just writing that because I have a friend like this. They’re always up for helping, but their “help” tends to be misguided and sometimes actually creates more distance between us. Their brand of “help” is actually toxic positivity.
The phrase “toxic positivity” has been making the social media rounds lately, especially after author Whitney Goodman wrote a whole book on the subject and how it can be damaging to mental health.
After reading it, I found myself thinking about all the minute and obvious ways in which toxic positivity pops up in our lives. It usually exists under the protection of gratitude journals and Instagram mantras (you know, “Everything’s a lesson” or “It’s all happening for a reason”).
Toxic positivity means well, but it misses the mark. It creates a pressure to stay positive, but that effort simply becomes a denial of your actual experience. And despite its good intentions, the result can leave someone who’s already down feeling even worse: dismissed, shut down, and emotionally alone.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the enactment that only “good” or “happy” emotions are acceptable and that a positive attitude should be able to fix just about anything.
We’ve all heard it, and we’ve all most likely said it too. The tropes and cliches are hard to avoid:
- “Let’s look at the bright side.”
- “It could be worse.”
- “Just stay positive.”
- “At least you have your health.”
- “Focus on the good.”
These statements are encouraging on the surface, but they’re stale platitudes. In moments of real struggle, when someone is going through grief, anxiety, shame, or burnout, they can be emotionally deafening.
This is because toxic positivity doesn’t just offer hope. It’s more like it demands it. And it leaves no room for real pain, complexity, or nuance. It says, “You’re only acceptable if you’re okay. And if you’re not okay, just get there fast, I guess.”
What’s more, it shows that the well-intentioned person reciting empty words of encouragement is unable to tolerate the other’s experience. They’re essentially showing that they’re uncomfortable being in the presence of you experiencing grief, anxiety, shame, or burnout, so they would rather focus on something more palatable instead.
When we open up to someone and they change the subject, that usually leaves us feeling invalidated and unseen. Like showing your open wound to someone and having them sprinkle it with glitter.
The implied logic of toxic positivity creates emotional rules: that some feelings are “good” and some are “bad.” That sadness, anger, fear, or grief should be hidden, corrected, or “transformed” into something shinier. But we’re not meant to feel one emotion or only the positive emotions all the time. We’re designed to feel all of them, sometimes even all at once.
Toxic positivity invalidates pain, and then adds more pain on top. Because now, you’re struggling and you’re ashamed for struggling in the first place.
Why We Gravitate Toward It
Toxic positivity is ingrained in our daily lives for good reason. Most of us were socialized by culture, family, social media, or self-help books to reach for positive thinking like it’s a moral virtue.
Here’s are a few reasons why it’s so common:
1. Discomfort Avoidance
It’s hard to watch someone you care about suffer. So we rush to reassure them or “fix” whatever they’re going through, not because it’s the best thing to do, but because we feel uncomfortable witnessing pain.
2. The Social Media Highlight Reel
Platforms reward curated happiness. You don’t see someone lying on their kitchen floor at 2am scrolling through existential dread. You see the post after they’ve cleaned it up and turned it into a lesson.
3. Hustle Culture and Overachievement
Our culture worships productivity and grit. So when someone says they’re exhausted or sad, the automatic reflex is to push past it. “Keep going. Stay strong. No excuses.” And now we’re gaslighting ourselves, too.
4. Fear of Falling Apart
For a lot of people, optimism is a coping mechanism. It’s how they keep functioning. If they allow themselves to admit how hard things are, they worry the whole façade will crack.
But we all know that ignoring hard emotions doesn’t protect you from them. It just delays the fallout.
How Toxic Positivity Harms Mental Health
Here’s how toxic positivity goes from the innocent and wholesome idea of “good vibes” to actually harming mental health:
It Trains You to Suppress
When you feel something uncomfortable and immediately tell yourself (or someone else tells you) to “look on the bright side,” you’re sending a message to your brain: this emotion isn’t allowed. Over time, you stop even recognizing what you feel. You lose access to your emotional cues. You start to bypass your own truth.
It Damages Relationships
When someone opens up and gets a cheerleader instead of a listener, they often don’t try again. It erodes trust. You start to think, “Why bother?” Or worse: “I must be too much for them to handle.”
It Breeds Shame
You’re not just anxious anymore. Now you’re anxious about being anxious. You’re not just sad. You’re mad at yourself for not “choosing happiness.” That extra layer of shame usually keeps people stuck for much longer than the original emotion ever would.
It Undermines Long-Term Healing
Avoiding emotion might work short-term (just think of all the bars and weed shops that would go out of business if avoidance didn’t work on some level). But long-term, those feelings get stored in your body. They show up as tension, exhaustion, insomnia, reactivity. And they always find a way to resurface, usually when you least expect it.
What to Say (and Do) Instead
Since we all fall into the alluring trap of offering toxic positivity, let’s acknowledge it and try to find ways to respond that aren’t empty at best and harmful at worst. Remember that you don’t need to fix someone’s feelings to support them. You just need to acknowledge them.
Try saying things along the lines of:
- “That makes a lot of sense. I’d feel that way too.”
- “I’m really sorry you’re going through this.”
- “It’s okay if you’re not feeling okay right now.”
- “You don’t need to explain or justify it. I’m here for you.”
When someone feels seen instead of silenced, they naturally start to soften. The nervous system begins to calm. The emotion begins to process. That’s what actually moves people forward.
And if you’re the one giving yourself a pep talk? Try swapping “You should be grateful” with “This is really hard, and it makes sense I feel this way.” Start there.
When You’re the One Being Smothered by Positivity
On the other hand, when we’re on the receiving end of toxic positivity and we know it’s missing the mark, it’s okay to set a boundary. This can look like saying:
- “Thanks for helping, but I’m not ready to look on the bright side yet.”
- “Can we stay in what went wrong first? I need to sit with it before I move forward.”
- “I really appreciate you talking to me but right now, I’m not asking for advice. Just someone to be here with me.”
If the person you’re with doesn’t understand or grows defensive, that might be a sign that you need to take some space. Protect your emotions, especially when you’re feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Real Positivity Doesn’t Bypass Pain
If it seems like I’m just bashing the idea of being positive, that’s actually not what I’m saying. There’s nothing wrong with being hopeful. But being hopeful and optimistic is only helpful after you’ve paid attention and understood the real pain you’ve endured.
So try to name what you’re going through. Sit with it and listen to what it’s trying to tell you. And then, once it’s been witnessed, you’ll be a little bit closer to figuring out what you need next.
That helps build emotional resilience and is using optimism in a way that’s helpful, not harmful.
Toxic Positivity in Therapy
Toxic positivity tells us that discomfort is something to be avoided. That the faster you “get over it,” the better you’re doing. But in my experience, the opposite is true.
The people who grow the most are the ones who stop skipping ahead. They slow down and take their time. These people get curious. They try to peel back their emotional layers and untangle the labyrinth that’s in their hearts.
That’s the difference between surface-level coping and deep, lasting change. Therapy offers a space where you don’t have to spin your story into something palatable. You can just be where you are. If you’re tired of forcing yourself to be okay, we can help.
Schedule a consultation, or explore more LightLine Journal posts on emotional identity and mental health.
FAQs
1. How can I tell if I’m using toxic positivity with myself?
Listen to your inner dialogue. Are you telling yourself you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way? Do you immediately try to reframe every negative emotion into something positive? If so, you might be unwittingly practicing toxic positivity. I’m not telling you to just wallow in the pain, but tell yourself the truth, without rushing to fix it.
It might sound like: “Other people have it worse,” or “There’s no reason to be upset about this.” These messages don’t do much to soothe us, but they do a lot to silence us. A better question to ask yourself is, “What do I really need right now?” Chances are, it’s compassion, not correction.
2. Isn’t positivity better than negativity?
Positivity can be powerful, when it’s honest. But there’s a thin line between positivity and denial. Denial happens when being positive is used to bypass real emotion. Healthy positivity says, “This is hard, and I believe I can handle it.” Toxic positivity says, “This isn’t hard. Smile anyway.”
Feeling sad, angry, or scared isn’t any fun, sure. But slapping a happy face on pain doesn’t help in the long run. The key is knowing how to move through those feelings, not pretend they don’t exist. Positivity is helpful when it’s layered on top of truth, not when it replaces it.
3. How does therapy help with toxic positivity?
Therapy helps you unlearn the idea that emotions are problems to solve. It gives you space to feel everything you’ve been suppressing and offers tools to move through it with more clarity and self-respect. You don’t have to perform happiness to be supported.
In session, you get to name what’s real without being rushed to “reframe” it. Over time, this builds emotional endurance and strengthens your ability to stay present with discomfort instead of defaulting to avoidance. You also learn how to spot toxic positivity in your relationships and set boundaries that protect your emotional reality. The goal is to develop a relationship with difficult emotions that feels empowering, not overwhelming.
4. What’s the difference between healthy positivity and toxic positivity?
Healthy positivity acknowledges pain and still believes in growth. Toxic positivity skips the pain entirely. One creates space. The other shuts it down.
Healthy positivity might say, “This is incredibly hard and I know I’ll get through it eventually.” Toxic positivity says, “Stop thinking about it. Just focus on the good.” The difference is nuance, emotional safety, and whether there’s room for the full experience, not just the parts that are tolerable. Real (healthy) optimism honors the hard stuff first, then points to what’s possible on the other side.
