Why a “Bad” Outcome Doesn’t Mean a Bad Choice
We’ve all had moments where we look back on a choice and think, What on God’s green earth was I thinking? If you identify as a perfectionist (or your partner once called you that and now you’re never going to forget it), you’re probably accustomed to this thinking. You made a decision, acted on it, and what you got was definitely not what you had wanted. The assumption that follows is automatic: I must have made a mistake. That’s the trap of what we call perfectionist decision making. It means the quality of your decision is mixed up with the results that followed.
The truth is, even the smartest, most carefully considered decisions don’t always lead to good outcomes. And the outcomes themselves can say less about your judgment than you think.
Why Perfectionists Struggle With Decision Making
I don’t need to tell you this, but I’ll say it anyway. Perfectionists hold themselves to sky-high standards and often believe that mistakes aren’t allowed (they’re allowed for others, but for you? Oh hell no).
The logic tends to be that if something didn’t work out, the decision that allowed that result to happen must have been wrong. This is a form of black-and-white thinking and it’s a rigid mental filter that leaves no room for nuance (the fancy jargony term for this in therapy is “cognitive distortion.”)
The problem with this approach is that life is full of uncertainty. We make decisions with limited information, and of course, we can’t control all the variables. Yet perfectionists often link their self-worth to being “right,” which makes any unwanted outcome feel like personal failure.
Psychologist and poker champion Annie Duke calls this “resulting.” It means we judge the quality of a decision only by its result. You can play the best possible poker hand and still lose. Does that mean you made a bad decision by not folding? Or you just suffered the consequences of an unlucky outcome?
Good Decision, Bad Outcome: What Really Defines a Mistake
A useful mental shift for perfectionists is separating decision quality vs outcome. The quality of a decision depends on the process, not on the outcome. Did you gather the best information you could at the time? Did you consider your values and priorities? Did you act thoughtfully rather than impulsively?
If the answer is yes, then the outcome, whether it’s good or bad, doesn’t erase the fact that you made a sound choice. This reframe can help perfectionists avoid equating every disappointment with failure. Because if you find yourself disappointed, that does not mean you failed.
It also reduces the shame spiral that comes from overthinking. Instead of obsessing about how you should have known better, you can recognize that sometimes the cards just don’t fall your way.
Strong Convictions, Loosely Held
Another challenge in perfectionist decision making is the fear of being wrong. If being wrong feels catastrophic, it makes decision-making feel paralyzing. This is why many perfectionists overanalyze endlessly. The underlying belief is that it’s better to stall than risk making the “wrong” move.
But here’s the irony: being wrong is one of the fastest ways to grow. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant once described a conversation with Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman, who said he actually enjoyed being proven wrong because it meant he was now “less wrong than before.”
That kind of mindset is liberating. Instead of clinging to the idea that you must always be right, you can allow yourself to learn, update, and evolve.
People throw the term “flip-flopper” around like it’s this terrible insult, when in reality, it can be a sign of knowledge and strength. We should be allowed to change our minds when we receive and understand new information. Refusing to change our beliefs, simply for the sake of being seen as consistent, does not embrace the idea of growth or maturation.
The idea of “strong convictions, loosely held” is powerful. Stand by your beliefs and when you encounter information that pokes holes in your thinking (and be open to seeing that information), don’t be afraid to let those beliefs go.
How to Reframe Your Thinking as a Perfectionist
If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-criticism and regret, here are a few ways to start letting go of so-called “bad” decisions:
- Check your process, not the result. Ask yourself: Did I make the best decision with the information I had?
- Separate self-worth from outcomes. A bad result doesn’t make you a bad decision-maker, employee, partner, or poker player.
- Challenge black-and-white thinking. Most decisions aren’t simply “right” or “wrong.” They exist in shades of gray.
- Loosen your grip on being right. Treat your ideas and choices as provisional, not permanent.
- Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that mistakes are part of learning, not proof of failure.
Therapy can help perfectionists practice these reframes in real time. A good therapist won’t just nod along with you, but they’ll challenge the rigid thinking patterns that keep you stuck and help you build more flexible, resilient ways of approaching choices. Learn more about what therapy for perfectionists in NYC actually looks like.
Letting Go of Perfectionist Decision Making
Perfectionist decision making often turns every less-than-ideal outcome into a personal indictment. But outcomes aren’t everything. The real measure of a decision is the elements that went into it. The things like what you knew when you made the decision, what you prioritized, and how thoughtfully you acted.
If you’re tired of overthinking, replaying “bad” choices, and holding yourself to impossible standards, therapy can help. You don’t have to keep judging yourself by results you couldn’t control.
At LightLine Therapy in New York City, we help perfectionists learn to make confident decisions that recognize very few issues are straight black-and-white.
Schedule a consultation today to start making decisions with clarity, not self-criticism.
FAQs
1. What is perfectionist decision making
Perfectionist decision making is the tendency to link your self-worth to flawless choices and flawless outcomes. If something doesn’t turn out well, a perfectionist often assumes the decision itself was bad, even if it was thoughtful and sound at the time. Over time, this pattern leads to overthinking, second-guessing, and constant self-criticism that erodes confidence. Therapy can help untangle these patterns and build a healthier relationship with decision-making.
2. Why do perfectionists struggle with making decisions?
The most common challenges perfectionists struggle with are black-and-white thinking and the fear of being wrong. They often believe that if a decision leads to a poor outcome, it was automatically a mistake. This rigid mindset fuels overthinking and self-doubt, often creating decision paralysis. Therapy helps by challenging these thought patterns and teaching more flexible, compassionate ways of evaluating choices.
3. How do I know if I made a bad decision or just had a bad outcome?
A bad decision usually comes from a poor process involving rushed thinking, ignoring key information, or acting against your values. A bad outcome, on the other hand, can happen even when the decision-making process was solid. The key is to evaluate the process, not just the result. Shifting your focus in this way helps reduce regret and keeps you from punishing yourself unnecessarily for things you couldn’t control.
4. How can therapy help perfectionists stop overthinking decisions?
Therapy helps perfectionists untangle rigid thinking patterns, separate outcomes from self-worth, and practice more flexible ways of making choices. At LightLine Therapy in NYC, we specialize in helping perfectionists break free from overthinking and learn to trust their decision-making process. In therapy, you’ll learn to recognize when you’re caught in unproductive loops and build strategies to move forward with clarity and confidence.
