Why Your Boundaries Keep Collapsing (and What Actually Makes Them Hold)
GUEST POST
Written by Jack Szary, LMHC-D, Founder of Rhythm Wellness.
You did the hard part. You rehearsed it on the walk to the subway and finally said it out loud: you won’t be hosting Thanksgiving again this year, or you’re done answering work messages after dinner.
It went better than you expected, for about a week. Then a Slack message landed at 9:40 on a Tuesday night, marked urgent, from the person who signs off on your bonus. You answered it in four minutes, and by Friday the boundary had become a story about the time you almost had one.
When this keeps happening, it’s tempting to blame willpower. In my work with high-functioning professionals across New York, the bigger issue is usually how the boundary was built: it was designed to be announced, with little thought given to the weight it would have to carry.
Boundaries tend to give way later, under load, like the second ask or the guilt that shows up at 11 p.m. Below are the five places I see them break most often, and what holds up better.
Collapse goes in two directions
Most people picture a collapsing boundary as caving: you said no, and then you said yes. The other direction is the blowup, where you hold the line through gritted teeth for weeks and then deliver the boundary all at once, loudly, in a way you regret by morning.
I see the blowup a lot with the men I work with, partly because anger is often the one feeling men were allowed to show. LightLine’s page on men’s issues gets into why.
The person who caves and the person who detonates are stuck in the same place. Neither has a version of the boundary they can hold at a normal volume.
1. A request got mistaken for a boundary
“Please stop calling me during work hours” is a request. It’s a reasonable one, and you’re allowed to make it, but it puts the outcome in someone else’s hands. So when your mother keeps calling at 2 p.m., the whole thing feels like a failure on your part.
A boundary describes what you will do. “I don’t pick up personal calls during the workday, and I’ll call you back after 6” needs nothing from anyone else to work. Your mother can call as often as she likes, and the boundary holds as long as your phone stays face down.
To tell them apart, look at who the sentence is about. If it centers on what they have to stop doing, you’ve written a request, and if it centers on what you’ll do next, you’ve set a boundary.
Requests still have a place, and you can lead with one when the relationship can handle it. Just decide ahead of time what you’ll do if the request gets ignored. If you’ve spent years trying to reason someone into respecting a line, Yoni Neff’s post on how to stop resenting someone who can’t change offers a useful reframe.
2. Caving once in a while keeps people pushing
Say you hold the line on late-night Slack messages four times out of five. From your side, that feels like solid progress. To your manager, it works like a slot machine.
Decades of behavioral research show that a behavior that pays off only some of the time is harder to extinguish than one that pays off every time. The person never knows which pull will hit, so they keep pulling. Every time you cave, you teach them that pushing works if they push long enough.
When a behavior that used to get results stops working, it also tends to get louder before it fades. Clinicians call this an extinction burst. In daily life it looks like longer guilt trips, or a manager who starts adding “quick question” to calendar invites.
This stretch is where most boundaries get taken back, because a louder reaction can make a reasonable boundary look unreasonable in hindsight. Escalation is usually a sign the old pattern has stopped paying off and the other person is adjusting to a version of you that says no.
The fix is consistency at a size you can sustain. “I don’t answer Slack after 9,” held every time, will do more than “I’m offline after 6,” held on good weeks.
One caution: if the escalation turns into threats or anything that makes you feel unsafe, you’re in a different situation. That calls for a safety plan and support from someone trained in it.
3. Nobody plans for the guilt
High achievers prepare. You might rehearse the wording or draft the whole thing in your Notes app, but almost nobody plans for the hour afterward, when your chest tightens and a familiar voice starts asking who you think you are.
Guilt is the bill that comes due after a boundary, and plenty of people read it as a verdict on their character. In DBT, we ask a sharper question: does the emotion fit the facts? Guilt fits when you’ve acted against your own values, and declining to answer email on Saturday goes against none of them.
For a nervous system that learned safety through being available, anything new can register as danger. That’s why the guilt shows up even when you know you’re in the right. If that alarm rarely switches off, even outside of boundary moments, it may be worth looking at as anxiety in its own right.
So feel the guilt without obeying it. DBT calls this opposite action. You notice the urge to apologize or take it back, and you do the opposite in a small, deliberate way, like letting the text sit until morning.
If you don’t act on the guilt, it usually crests and passes. Each time you ride it out, the next wave tends to be a little smaller.
4. A boundary with nothing behind it
Some boundaries are borrowed. You saw a well-designed graphic about protecting your peace and adopted a rule like no work talk at dinner. Then you felt nothing when it lapsed, because it was never really yours.
Boundaries hold when they’re attached to something you care about, so in ACT the useful question is what the boundary protects. It might be the first hour with your kids after you get home, or the Sunday long run that keeps you steady through quarter close.
Once you know what a boundary is for, the pushback gets easier to weigh. At 7:15 on a Wednesday, the choice in front of you is an email or your daughter’s bath time, and that choice tends to make itself.
Try finishing this sentence: I keep this boundary because it protects ___. If you can’t fill in the blank, the boundary probably won’t survive its first bad week.
5. An older rule is outranking the new one
Underneath most collapsing boundaries is an older agreement, usually signed before you could read. It sounds something like “I’m safest when I’m useful,” or “people stay as long as I’m easy to be around.” These rules tend to show up loudest with partners and family, which is why boundary work so often turns into work on relationship patterns.
For many of the professionals I work with, that rule paid off for years. Being reliable earned the promotion and the reputation as the friend who always shows up. LightLine’s page on perfectionists and overachievers describes this kind of person well.
Against all that history, your new boundary is a three-week-old policy trying to overrule a contract with 25 years of evidence behind it. The contract usually wins the first few rounds.
Rules like this tend to stay invisible until you try to break one. A tight chest and the urge to over-explain are often the first signs you’ve run into one. Insight-oriented therapy helps you find where the rule came from and decide whether it still deserves a vote.
If this section hit close to home, LightLine’s post on why high achievers struggle to ask for help is worth reading next.
What makes a boundary hold
Before you announce a boundary, put it through a quick load test. If it can’t pass on paper, it won’t hold at 9:40 on a Tuesday.
Write it in the first person
Phrase it as your own action: “When this happens, I will do this.” If the sentence depends on someone else changing, add what you’ll do when they don’t.
Shrink it until you’d bet on it
Choose the version you’d keep ten times out of ten, even during a terrible week. You can expand a boundary later, but it’s hard to rebuild one after it’s been broken a few times.
Give one reason, or none
Every extra justification is a handle someone can grab to pull you into a debate. “That doesn’t work for me” is a complete answer. If you want warmth, add care instead of evidence: “I love you, and I’m still not hosting this year.”
Decide your second answer now
Pushback tends to rise for a while before it settles. Decide in advance how you’ll answer the second and third ask, so you’re following a plan when the pressure hits.
Give the guilt somewhere to go
Pick what you’ll do in the hour after, whether that’s a walk around the block or leaving your phone in another room. The urge to undo the boundary needs an outlet that isn’t your inbox.
Repair without retreating
If you set the boundary harshly, you can apologize for how you said it and still keep it. “I’m sorry I snapped. I’m still not working this weekend.”
A work boundary, before and after
A version I hear constantly: “Hey team! I’m going to try to be better about logging off at 6, so please try not to message me after hours if you can 🙏”
Phrases like “try” and “if you can” invite people to test it, and the apology emoji tells them you’ll feel bad saying no. The message also never says what happens when someone does write at 8.
A version that holds: “I’m offline from 7 p.m. to 8 a.m. If something can’t wait, call me. Anything on Slack, I’ll pick up first thing.”
This one is specific and written in the first person. It also gives people a way to reach you in an emergency, which takes away the strongest argument against it. And because a call takes more effort than a Slack message, false emergencies tend to filter themselves out.
If work is where your boundaries give way most, LightLine’s page on work stress and burnout covers how therapy can help.
When it’s time for support
Most people who recognize themselves here have already tried some version of these steps alone. Patterns this old tend to loosen faster with someone who can spot the old rule while it’s running and help you rehearse a new response before the stakes are real.
LightLine’s therapists do this work every week, with people-pleasers who hate being called that and with founders whose calendars belong to everyone but them. You can learn more about their therapy for communication and boundaries or book a free consultation.
Expect the first few weeks of a boundary that holds to feel uncomfortable. You’re repeating a small act until the people around you, and the old rule inside you, believe you mean it.
About the Author
Jack Szary, LMHC-D, is the founder of Rhythm Wellness Mental Health Counseling, a virtual therapy practice serving adults across New York State. He works with high-functioning professionals on anxiety, burnout, self-esteem, and men’s mental health, drawing on ACT, CBT, DBT, and psychodynamic therapy. He lives in Brooklyn.
The examples in this post are composites. Details have been changed and combined so no one is identifiable.
FAQs
1. What’s the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?
An ultimatum tries to force someone else’s choice, usually with a threat attached. A boundary states what you’ll do to take care of yourself, and it stays true whether or not the other person changes. Boundaries can be delivered calmly and kindly, while ultimatums tend to come out after resentment has been building for a while.
2. Why do I feel guilty after setting a boundary?
Guilt usually shows up because the boundary breaks an older rule, often one about being useful or easy to be around. In most cases it means you did something new for you. When the boundary lines up with your values, the guilt tends to ease the more you hold the line.
3. What should I do when someone keeps ignoring my boundaries?
First, check whether you made a request or set a boundary. If it depends on them changing, add your own follow-through, like ending the call or waiting until morning to respond. Hold it consistently and expect the pushback to increase for a while; if the pattern continues, the relationship may need a bigger conversation or more distance.
4. How do I set boundaries at work without hurting my career?
Keep work boundaries specific and predictable, and build in a clear route for emergencies. Colleagues adjust quickly to someone who’s consistent. Unpredictable availability is what usually causes friction, and constant availability is what usually leads to burnout.
5. Can therapy help if I already know what my boundaries should be?
Yes. Most people who struggle with boundaries already know what they want to say. Therapy helps with what knowing doesn’t fix, like the guilt and the older patterns that make holding the line feel unsafe, and it gives you a place to practice first.
